Monogamy Bashing or Positive Polyamory Promoting?

I recently attended the Sex 2.0 conference in Seattle, WA. This conference provides safe space to explore the confluence of social media, feminism, and sexuality, and this year’s sessions covered a range of topics, including mine on “Online Sex Coaching & Education.”

One of the unofficial themes of this year’s event seemed to be polyamory. It was mentioned constantly, was practiced by many of the attendees, and seemed to be promoted as an example of a more advanced or evolved relationship paradigm.

Unfortunately, some of the monogamous attendees were perceiving judgmentalism toward their chosen relationship model as a result of the pervasive attention being paid to polyamory. One woman even stated that she was tired of the “monogamy-bashing” that she was observing.

Sex educator Raven Shelly, who is sometimes affectionately referred to as Little Miss Monogamy, overheard jokes about monogamous people and actually had several disparaging remarks directed at her specifically. For example, someone told her at the conference that “monogamy is forcing down true self-expression.” Someone else stated that she is simply unenlightened if she clings to monogamy. “I have even been told that my partners must resent me, like i am FORCING them to be monogamous,” said Raven in a private communication with me.

Often when someone finds a new path that resonates deeply with them, part of the coming out process of identification with this new path can create a desire to share it with everyone, to proclaim it from the rooftops, and to convince others of why this new thing makes so much more sense (see Stage 5 of Cass’ Gay Identity Process: Identity Pride). You can see it in newly-out gays, those who adopt a new religion, and yes, in people new to polyamory. One of the social advantages of this phenomenon is that it can cause others to reconsider their assumed positions and beliefs and come to a more reasoned, rational, and CONSCIOUS choice about their own lives. Sometimes this means that they retain their previous positions or beliefs, but with a stronger sense of self and meaning in their lives.

Unfortunately, those who are loudly and enthusiastically proclaiming their new proclivities can sometimes (either deliberately or inadvertently) convey criticism about those who follow anything else. This creates a schism between people. No one wants to feel criticized for their lifestyle, spiritual, or relationship choices.

I personally believe that any relationship that is consciously and consensually CHOSEN by the parties involved is valid. My aim in promoting polyamory is to help people think through the effects of assumed or compulsory monogamy. Additionally, I wish to broaden the public’s awareness of polyamory as an equally valid choice for some people - but not at the expense of those who choose monogamy for themselves.

Polyamory - the capacity to love many - can, I think, be extended to a sense of metta (the Sanskrit word that refers to the principle of “lovingkindness”) for all beings. I would love to see a sense of compassion for others become a natural part of polyamory - allowing all of us to appreciate the wide range of relationship choices available to everyone, without denigrating anyone else’s personal choice.

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