Open Minds and Open Classrooms

Good Morning! My first post and I am excited to share an experience I've had lecturing on polyamory.

A few days ago I spoke before a classroom of sociology students at a local university and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Presenting polyamory within a convention or a small group means that the people in my class are probably at least curious. In a college classroom they are there to get a grade and not necessarily supportive of poly.

The professor was very encouraging to myself and my family and seemed perfectly pleased to just let us take the discussion in whatever direction seemed natural. One of my lovers and one of my foundation relationships each came with me to the class to offer their different perspectives. It was a great boost to my heart to have these two people standing (literally) behind me. As it turned out, they didn't really need to speak on much but they did get a few questions.

The students listened intently as I described the outline of how my family functions and how I came to live with two lovers. I could see a few brows furrow, but until there were questions I couldn't address what the students were thinking.

The other family presenting was also polyamorous but not structured exactly in the same way as my family. There were more similarities than I would have suspected, however, and I found myself nodding in agreement as each of their members spoke about communication, individual levels of commitment and family life. Both families had children, bisexual members, heterosexual members and a carefully thought out pattern of relationships.

We covered many topics in the class time, including: polyamorous hierarchy, coming out as poly, children, choosing sexual partners, communication skills and jealousy. The other family had a hierarchy that worked for them, but I discussed the idea of foundation relationships. These are multiple, committed relationships that form the foundation of my life. If I were to decide whether to change states to pursue a job, these are the relationships that would affect that decision. Other relationships may be important to me, but they are not the building blocks on which I form my life.

One of the concepts that seemed the most challenging for the students was the idea that my lover's body was not something I needed to protect against being stolen by others. One or two students in particular expressed the idea that once married my husband's body is mine to jealously guard. They asked "Doesn't it bother you, knowing he's off "doing something" with someone else?" For a human sexuality class, the students were still having trouble saying the words 'sex'!

I admitted to sometimes feeling left out, to being awkward and to struggling with this issue. I particularly had trouble trusting when my relationship with that lover was having a rough patch. I mentioned this in the discussion as a way of leading to the idea that every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Developing communication skills and growing through your own personal issues is pretty key to making polyamory successful. Fortunately, this led directly into a discussion of the other side of this issue - compersion! Compersion is the joy you feel knowing someone you love is being fulfilled and happy. That it doesn't involve you isn't an issue - you're thrilled that they are watching the movie they wanted to see or going to a dance class they have talked about for weeks. These are nonsexual examples, but compersion includes sex as well.

I was monogamous by socialization for much of my early life, but now I find that I have trouble understanding the concept of physical jealousy. It begins to feel like a 21st century slavery and not a very healthy one.

The class was polite and more open than I imagined, and as always I learned a little bit by talking about polyamory with other people.