Open Minds and Open Classrooms

Good Morning! My first post and I am excited to share an experience I've had lecturing on polyamory.

A few days ago I spoke before a classroom of sociology students at a local university and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Presenting polyamory within a convention or a small group means that the people in my class are probably at least curious. In a college classroom they are there to get a grade and not necessarily supportive of poly.

The professor was very encouraging to myself and my family and seemed perfectly pleased to just let us take the discussion in whatever direction seemed natural. One of my lovers and one of my foundation relationships each came with me to the class to offer their different perspectives. It was a great boost to my heart to have these two people standing (literally) behind me. As it turned out, they didn't really need to speak on much but they did get a few questions.

The students listened intently as I described the outline of how my family functions and how I came to live with two lovers. I could see a few brows furrow, but until there were questions I couldn't address what the students were thinking.

The other family presenting was also polyamorous but not structured exactly in the same way as my family. There were more similarities than I would have suspected, however, and I found myself nodding in agreement as each of their members spoke about communication, individual levels of commitment and family life. Both families had children, bisexual members, heterosexual members and a carefully thought out pattern of relationships.

We covered many topics in the class time, including: polyamorous hierarchy, coming out as poly, children, choosing sexual partners, communication skills and jealousy. The other family had a hierarchy that worked for them, but I discussed the idea of foundation relationships. These are multiple, committed relationships that form the foundation of my life. If I were to decide whether to change states to pursue a job, these are the relationships that would affect that decision. Other relationships may be important to me, but they are not the building blocks on which I form my life.

One of the concepts that seemed the most challenging for the students was the idea that my lover's body was not something I needed to protect against being stolen by others. One or two students in particular expressed the idea that once married my husband's body is mine to jealously guard. They asked "Doesn't it bother you, knowing he's off "doing something" with someone else?" For a human sexuality class, the students were still having trouble saying the words 'sex'!

I admitted to sometimes feeling left out, to being awkward and to struggling with this issue. I particularly had trouble trusting when my relationship with that lover was having a rough patch. I mentioned this in the discussion as a way of leading to the idea that every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Developing communication skills and growing through your own personal issues is pretty key to making polyamory successful. Fortunately, this led directly into a discussion of the other side of this issue - compersion! Compersion is the joy you feel knowing someone you love is being fulfilled and happy. That it doesn't involve you isn't an issue - you're thrilled that they are watching the movie they wanted to see or going to a dance class they have talked about for weeks. These are nonsexual examples, but compersion includes sex as well.

I was monogamous by socialization for much of my early life, but now I find that I have trouble understanding the concept of physical jealousy. It begins to feel like a 21st century slavery and not a very healthy one.

The class was polite and more open than I imagined, and as always I learned a little bit by talking about polyamory with other people.

Obama Granting Hospital Visitation to Gay Partners & "Others"

So the first thing I see in my inbox this evening is a link to this article: "Obama Widens Medical Rights for Same-Sex Partners."

The article describes how it's about time Obama finally lives up to his campaign promises to stand up for gay rights:

During his presidential campaign, Mr. Obama said he would fight for the rights of gays and lesbians, but he has been under pressure since the beginning of his presidency to be a stronger advocate for their issues.

In some ways, the poly population in this country is following in the footsteps of the LGBT community. Each of their successes in gaining awareness, rights, and respect paves the path for other kinds of unconventional relationships to enjoy the same eventually. I know, I know, they don't really want to be lumped in with us because they are trying to prove how normal and mainstream them are, and apparently multiple partners in responsible non-monogamous relationships are still too weird even for other marginalized groups to embrace formally. But really, there are a lot of parallels between where we are now and where they were 30 years ago.

The last paragraph of this article is what really made me want to post about it here:

The memorandum is intended to "help ensure that patients will be able to face difficult times in hospitals with compassion, dignity and respect,'' a White House spokesman, Shin Inouye, said Thursday night.

"By taking these steps, we can better protect the interests and needs of patients that are gay or lesbian, widows and widowers with no children, members of religious orders, or others for whom their loved ones are not always immediate relatives. Because all Americans should be able to have loved ones there for them in their time of need."

[My emphasis]

See? They have apparently written this memorandum loosely enough to allow patients to designate ANYONE as important enough to be able to visit them in the hospital. That includes US! Now, let's just hope that the laws and regulations to come actually follow in the spirit of this "memo."

Welcome to our new blog!

Sarah and I are so excited about our teleseminar by the same name as this blog, and we have so much to share, that we needed another outlet for our enthusiasm! Hence, this blog! We plan to share personal experiences and insights about lived polyamory; we will share interesting links, articles and others' blog posts about the topic; we may comment on news items that relate to polyamory in some way; and whatever else seems to fit here! Please feel free to add your comments and ask your questions - we look forward to sharing with you!

Lovingly,
Inara