Oprah has approached the topic of polyamory a couple of times, but never in a head-on meeting with a fully functional family group. Now, it seems she is looking to interview a triad and I've considered signing up. I've been on television before, but of course I've never talked about poly where a whole nation could recognize my face and my partners. I want to be open and positive, but some strong fears still remain about how my Dad would react or what it would be like for my son at school.
I live pretty openly (I think) with my family in a suburban home. The neighbors all know we have a "roommate" and the neighborhood kids just nod at whatever adult they see as they pass by. Some of the restaurant owners in the neighborhood finally asked about my dates with two different guys and I said that I dated them both. I've gotten a pretty accepting attitude most of the time and I eat pretty well too!
But that acceptance is a lot different than having an entire nation of people looking at a brief image of my family without knowing who we are as people first. I might be mistaken, but I think that it is harder to judge this lifestyle when the person in front of you is someone you can identify with. On Oprah I'd be another brief interview without the benefit of time and perspective.
Maybe I'd gain some respect for this choice and the real life situations we share with monogamous couples. It is also possible that the backlash against our community (and my family) could be severe.
I've gained respect for those who stood up for their beliefs against a system of ingrained power and privilege. The courage it takes is tremendous. The grace to do so without compromising who you are when there is a reaction is amazing.
I've picked my battlefield here on the blog, at conferences and workshops where a small number of people can hear the grassroots message of acceptance and understanding. Not everyone is cut out to be Rosa Parks or Gandhi. Not everyone needs to be the leader. It is important, I think, to find the level at which you can speak for yourself and your choices and to make that voice heard.
What would you say to Oprah?
I look forward to hearing your voice ! Sarah Olivia
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Poly Living West Conference in Seattle, Oct 2010
Poly Living Seattle, October 22-24, 2010
This October we are thrilled to announce for the first time Loving More® will holding a major polyamory relationship conference in SEATTLE WASHINGTON!
Loving More is excited to bring this wonderful conference to an equally wonderful part of the country.
The PolyLiving Conference features a range of informative workshops from basic to advanced and from intellectual to experiential, covering topics both fun and serious.
Poly Living, orginally founded by the late George Marvil, is a place to learn relationship skills that support healthy polyamorous realationships.
• Friday night Keynote,Concert and Reception
• Saturday to Sunday- 18 Amazing workshops
by nationally known polyamory facilitators
• Saturday Luncheon
Click here for pricing and details
This October we are thrilled to announce for the first time Loving More® will holding a major polyamory relationship conference in SEATTLE WASHINGTON!
Loving More is excited to bring this wonderful conference to an equally wonderful part of the country.
The PolyLiving Conference features a range of informative workshops from basic to advanced and from intellectual to experiential, covering topics both fun and serious.
Poly Living, orginally founded by the late George Marvil, is a place to learn relationship skills that support healthy polyamorous realationships.
• Friday night Keynote,Concert and Reception
• Saturday to Sunday- 18 Amazing workshops
by nationally known polyamory facilitators
• Saturday Luncheon
Click here for pricing and details
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Monogamy Bashing or Positive Polyamory Promoting?
I recently attended the Sex 2.0 conference in Seattle, WA. This conference provides safe space to explore the confluence of social media, feminism, and sexuality, and this year’s sessions covered a range of topics, including mine on “Online Sex Coaching & Education.”
One of the unofficial themes of this year’s event seemed to be polyamory. It was mentioned constantly, was practiced by many of the attendees, and seemed to be promoted as an example of a more advanced or evolved relationship paradigm.
Unfortunately, some of the monogamous attendees were perceiving judgmentalism toward their chosen relationship model as a result of the pervasive attention being paid to polyamory. One woman even stated that she was tired of the “monogamy-bashing” that she was observing.
Sex educator Raven Shelly, who is sometimes affectionately referred to as Little Miss Monogamy, overheard jokes about monogamous people and actually had several disparaging remarks directed at her specifically. For example, someone told her at the conference that “monogamy is forcing down true self-expression.” Someone else stated that she is simply unenlightened if she clings to monogamy. “I have even been told that my partners must resent me, like i am FORCING them to be monogamous,” said Raven in a private communication with me.
Often when someone finds a new path that resonates deeply with them, part of the coming out process of identification with this new path can create a desire to share it with everyone, to proclaim it from the rooftops, and to convince others of why this new thing makes so much more sense (see Stage 5 of Cass’ Gay Identity Process: Identity Pride). You can see it in newly-out gays, those who adopt a new religion, and yes, in people new to polyamory. One of the social advantages of this phenomenon is that it can cause others to reconsider their assumed positions and beliefs and come to a more reasoned, rational, and CONSCIOUS choice about their own lives. Sometimes this means that they retain their previous positions or beliefs, but with a stronger sense of self and meaning in their lives.
Unfortunately, those who are loudly and enthusiastically proclaiming their new proclivities can sometimes (either deliberately or inadvertently) convey criticism about those who follow anything else. This creates a schism between people. No one wants to feel criticized for their lifestyle, spiritual, or relationship choices.
I personally believe that any relationship that is consciously and consensually CHOSEN by the parties involved is valid. My aim in promoting polyamory is to help people think through the effects of assumed or compulsory monogamy. Additionally, I wish to broaden the public’s awareness of polyamory as an equally valid choice for some people - but not at the expense of those who choose monogamy for themselves.
Polyamory - the capacity to love many - can, I think, be extended to a sense of metta (the Sanskrit word that refers to the principle of “lovingkindness”) for all beings. I would love to see a sense of compassion for others become a natural part of polyamory - allowing all of us to appreciate the wide range of relationship choices available to everyone, without denigrating anyone else’s personal choice.
Search Amazon.com for polyamory
One of the unofficial themes of this year’s event seemed to be polyamory. It was mentioned constantly, was practiced by many of the attendees, and seemed to be promoted as an example of a more advanced or evolved relationship paradigm.
Unfortunately, some of the monogamous attendees were perceiving judgmentalism toward their chosen relationship model as a result of the pervasive attention being paid to polyamory. One woman even stated that she was tired of the “monogamy-bashing” that she was observing.
Sex educator Raven Shelly, who is sometimes affectionately referred to as Little Miss Monogamy, overheard jokes about monogamous people and actually had several disparaging remarks directed at her specifically. For example, someone told her at the conference that “monogamy is forcing down true self-expression.” Someone else stated that she is simply unenlightened if she clings to monogamy. “I have even been told that my partners must resent me, like i am FORCING them to be monogamous,” said Raven in a private communication with me.
Often when someone finds a new path that resonates deeply with them, part of the coming out process of identification with this new path can create a desire to share it with everyone, to proclaim it from the rooftops, and to convince others of why this new thing makes so much more sense (see Stage 5 of Cass’ Gay Identity Process: Identity Pride). You can see it in newly-out gays, those who adopt a new religion, and yes, in people new to polyamory. One of the social advantages of this phenomenon is that it can cause others to reconsider their assumed positions and beliefs and come to a more reasoned, rational, and CONSCIOUS choice about their own lives. Sometimes this means that they retain their previous positions or beliefs, but with a stronger sense of self and meaning in their lives.
Unfortunately, those who are loudly and enthusiastically proclaiming their new proclivities can sometimes (either deliberately or inadvertently) convey criticism about those who follow anything else. This creates a schism between people. No one wants to feel criticized for their lifestyle, spiritual, or relationship choices.
I personally believe that any relationship that is consciously and consensually CHOSEN by the parties involved is valid. My aim in promoting polyamory is to help people think through the effects of assumed or compulsory monogamy. Additionally, I wish to broaden the public’s awareness of polyamory as an equally valid choice for some people - but not at the expense of those who choose monogamy for themselves.
Polyamory - the capacity to love many - can, I think, be extended to a sense of metta (the Sanskrit word that refers to the principle of “lovingkindness”) for all beings. I would love to see a sense of compassion for others become a natural part of polyamory - allowing all of us to appreciate the wide range of relationship choices available to everyone, without denigrating anyone else’s personal choice.
Search Amazon.com for polyamory
Friday, April 23, 2010
Open Minds and Open Classrooms
Good Morning! My first post and I am excited to share an experience I've had lecturing on polyamory.
A few days ago I spoke before a classroom of sociology students at a local university and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Presenting polyamory within a convention or a small group means that the people in my class are probably at least curious. In a college classroom they are there to get a grade and not necessarily supportive of poly.
The professor was very encouraging to myself and my family and seemed perfectly pleased to just let us take the discussion in whatever direction seemed natural. One of my lovers and one of my foundation relationships each came with me to the class to offer their different perspectives. It was a great boost to my heart to have these two people standing (literally) behind me. As it turned out, they didn't really need to speak on much but they did get a few questions.
The students listened intently as I described the outline of how my family functions and how I came to live with two lovers. I could see a few brows furrow, but until there were questions I couldn't address what the students were thinking.
The other family presenting was also polyamorous but not structured exactly in the same way as my family. There were more similarities than I would have suspected, however, and I found myself nodding in agreement as each of their members spoke about communication, individual levels of commitment and family life. Both families had children, bisexual members, heterosexual members and a carefully thought out pattern of relationships.
We covered many topics in the class time, including: polyamorous hierarchy, coming out as poly, children, choosing sexual partners, communication skills and jealousy. The other family had a hierarchy that worked for them, but I discussed the idea of foundation relationships. These are multiple, committed relationships that form the foundation of my life. If I were to decide whether to change states to pursue a job, these are the relationships that would affect that decision. Other relationships may be important to me, but they are not the building blocks on which I form my life.
One of the concepts that seemed the most challenging for the students was the idea that my lover's body was not something I needed to protect against being stolen by others. One or two students in particular expressed the idea that once married my husband's body is mine to jealously guard. They asked "Doesn't it bother you, knowing he's off "doing something" with someone else?" For a human sexuality class, the students were still having trouble saying the words 'sex'!
I admitted to sometimes feeling left out, to being awkward and to struggling with this issue. I particularly had trouble trusting when my relationship with that lover was having a rough patch. I mentioned this in the discussion as a way of leading to the idea that every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Developing communication skills and growing through your own personal issues is pretty key to making polyamory successful. Fortunately, this led directly into a discussion of the other side of this issue - compersion! Compersion is the joy you feel knowing someone you love is being fulfilled and happy. That it doesn't involve you isn't an issue - you're thrilled that they are watching the movie they wanted to see or going to a dance class they have talked about for weeks. These are nonsexual examples, but compersion includes sex as well.
I was monogamous by socialization for much of my early life, but now I find that I have trouble understanding the concept of physical jealousy. It begins to feel like a 21st century slavery and not a very healthy one.
The class was polite and more open than I imagined, and as always I learned a little bit by talking about polyamory with other people.
A few days ago I spoke before a classroom of sociology students at a local university and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Presenting polyamory within a convention or a small group means that the people in my class are probably at least curious. In a college classroom they are there to get a grade and not necessarily supportive of poly.
The professor was very encouraging to myself and my family and seemed perfectly pleased to just let us take the discussion in whatever direction seemed natural. One of my lovers and one of my foundation relationships each came with me to the class to offer their different perspectives. It was a great boost to my heart to have these two people standing (literally) behind me. As it turned out, they didn't really need to speak on much but they did get a few questions.
The students listened intently as I described the outline of how my family functions and how I came to live with two lovers. I could see a few brows furrow, but until there were questions I couldn't address what the students were thinking.
The other family presenting was also polyamorous but not structured exactly in the same way as my family. There were more similarities than I would have suspected, however, and I found myself nodding in agreement as each of their members spoke about communication, individual levels of commitment and family life. Both families had children, bisexual members, heterosexual members and a carefully thought out pattern of relationships.
We covered many topics in the class time, including: polyamorous hierarchy, coming out as poly, children, choosing sexual partners, communication skills and jealousy. The other family had a hierarchy that worked for them, but I discussed the idea of foundation relationships. These are multiple, committed relationships that form the foundation of my life. If I were to decide whether to change states to pursue a job, these are the relationships that would affect that decision. Other relationships may be important to me, but they are not the building blocks on which I form my life.
One of the concepts that seemed the most challenging for the students was the idea that my lover's body was not something I needed to protect against being stolen by others. One or two students in particular expressed the idea that once married my husband's body is mine to jealously guard. They asked "Doesn't it bother you, knowing he's off "doing something" with someone else?" For a human sexuality class, the students were still having trouble saying the words 'sex'!
I admitted to sometimes feeling left out, to being awkward and to struggling with this issue. I particularly had trouble trusting when my relationship with that lover was having a rough patch. I mentioned this in the discussion as a way of leading to the idea that every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Developing communication skills and growing through your own personal issues is pretty key to making polyamory successful. Fortunately, this led directly into a discussion of the other side of this issue - compersion! Compersion is the joy you feel knowing someone you love is being fulfilled and happy. That it doesn't involve you isn't an issue - you're thrilled that they are watching the movie they wanted to see or going to a dance class they have talked about for weeks. These are nonsexual examples, but compersion includes sex as well.
I was monogamous by socialization for much of my early life, but now I find that I have trouble understanding the concept of physical jealousy. It begins to feel like a 21st century slavery and not a very healthy one.
The class was polite and more open than I imagined, and as always I learned a little bit by talking about polyamory with other people.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Obama Granting Hospital Visitation to Gay Partners & "Others"
So the first thing I see in my inbox this evening is a link to this article: "Obama Widens Medical Rights for Same-Sex Partners."
The article describes how it's about time Obama finally lives up to his campaign promises to stand up for gay rights:
In some ways, the poly population in this country is following in the footsteps of the LGBT community. Each of their successes in gaining awareness, rights, and respect paves the path for other kinds of unconventional relationships to enjoy the same eventually. I know, I know, they don't really want to be lumped in with us because they are trying to prove how normal and mainstream them are, and apparently multiple partners in responsible non-monogamous relationships are still too weird even for other marginalized groups to embrace formally. But really, there are a lot of parallels between where we are now and where they were 30 years ago.
The last paragraph of this article is what really made me want to post about it here:
See? They have apparently written this memorandum loosely enough to allow patients to designate ANYONE as important enough to be able to visit them in the hospital. That includes US! Now, let's just hope that the laws and regulations to come actually follow in the spirit of this "memo."
The article describes how it's about time Obama finally lives up to his campaign promises to stand up for gay rights:
During his presidential campaign, Mr. Obama said he would fight for the rights of gays and lesbians, but he has been under pressure since the beginning of his presidency to be a stronger advocate for their issues.
In some ways, the poly population in this country is following in the footsteps of the LGBT community. Each of their successes in gaining awareness, rights, and respect paves the path for other kinds of unconventional relationships to enjoy the same eventually. I know, I know, they don't really want to be lumped in with us because they are trying to prove how normal and mainstream them are, and apparently multiple partners in responsible non-monogamous relationships are still too weird even for other marginalized groups to embrace formally. But really, there are a lot of parallels between where we are now and where they were 30 years ago.
The last paragraph of this article is what really made me want to post about it here:
The memorandum is intended to "help ensure that patients will be able to face difficult times in hospitals with compassion, dignity and respect,'' a White House spokesman, Shin Inouye, said Thursday night.[My emphasis]
"By taking these steps, we can better protect the interests and needs of patients that are gay or lesbian, widows and widowers with no children, members of religious orders, or others for whom their loved ones are not always immediate relatives. Because all Americans should be able to have loved ones there for them in their time of need."
See? They have apparently written this memorandum loosely enough to allow patients to designate ANYONE as important enough to be able to visit them in the hospital. That includes US! Now, let's just hope that the laws and regulations to come actually follow in the spirit of this "memo."
Welcome to our new blog!
Sarah and I are so excited about our teleseminar by the same name as this blog, and we have so much to share, that we needed another outlet for our enthusiasm! Hence, this blog! We plan to share personal experiences and insights about lived polyamory; we will share interesting links, articles and others' blog posts about the topic; we may comment on news items that relate to polyamory in some way; and whatever else seems to fit here! Please feel free to add your comments and ask your questions - we look forward to sharing with you!
Lovingly,
Inara
Lovingly,
Inara
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